It was not your average ask. They'd been together for years, but this came as a shocking surprise. They had a rocking sex life, built on mutual trust, affection and respect for one another, and they'd explored all manner of things together. But during the deep recesses of one wild night, she asked him to do something to her that sent shivers down his spine in the worst kind of way. With a few simple words, she turned him off almost instantly, and broke a dream that had been so beautiful. While she was lying naked, beneath him, his confident, loving, smart, thirty-something, long-term partner asked him, "rape me?"
"I recoiled in what I guess was horror," he wrote, in an email asking me to write to readers for answers.
"How could I possibly 'rape' the woman I loved?"
He describes her reaction to his inaction. She tried to smooth it over with hurried 'don't worry about it darling' dismissals. She tried to bring him back to the wonderful world they'd been playing in moments before. "Forget I said it – it doesn't matter, come here… kiss me…"
But he couldn't. He couldn't kiss the woman he loved because he felt she had asked him to hurt her in the deepest possible way. And though he didn't – and wouldn't – do it, he felt that she, at some level, thought he would. And that would mean he was a monster.
Did she really think he was a monster?
"As soon as you say 'rape', you're talking about something altogether different to love and sex. You're talking about something that is a crime. It is a most vile act. It's an abuse. It's offensive, and it is not something you would do to anyone, let alone someone you cared for more than anyone. I couldn't understand why she wanted me to do that, and I couldn't do the next thing she asked: Forget it."
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